


Coming Clean

by AoSfangirl81



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, F/M, FitzSimmons - Freeform, FitzSimmons Secret Santa, Fluff and Angst, Hiatus, Moving In Together, Secrets, mostly - Freeform, s4
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-27
Updated: 2016-12-27
Packaged: 2018-09-12 15:49:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,592
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9079315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AoSfangirl81/pseuds/AoSfangirl81
Summary: Simmons has been keeping something from Fitz and she finally finds the courage to tell him. Set during the earlier part of the 6 month hiatus between S3 and S4 because, come on, some stuff must have happened, right?? Canon compliant if you squint at it (see notes below).





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Florchis](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Florchis/gifts).



> Prompt: Anything where Jemma falls in love first or with focus in Fitz's hands.
> 
> Written for Florchis for the FitzSimmons Secret Santa!

Simmons’ lab table is a flurry of papers and folders flying about as she huffs in exasperation. “I swear, I just had it with me!” she exclaims to no one in particular. Fitz looks up from his work table across the room and walks over to her, making sure to keep the professional distance they had recently agreed on while in public. “What’d you lose?” he asked.  
  
"My tablet! I need it to prepare for my meeting tomorrow with the new director, and I can’t find it anywhere!” 

“Oh,” Fitz says, lowering his voice to make sure only Simmons heard him. “It’s in my room. You left it there this morning.” He smiles at her, happy that he was able to solve such an easy problem.

Simmons rolled her eyes at herself. “Of course! Honestly, I can’t seem to keep track of much these days. Between the new reports and coding systems that are being developed,” Simmons lowers her voice, “not to mention forgetting what’s in my room and what’s in yours. There must be a better organizational system I can come up with.”

Fitz cocks his head and smiles fondly at her, his eyes determined. “You should move into my room.” Simmons is shocked both by the confidence behind his words and the idea itself. Share a room? She had never thought of that. Of course she enjoyed spending nights with Fitz, falling asleep wrapped in his arms and waking up to tangled limbs and mingled breaths. She’s honestly never slept any better. But they still weren’t being very public about their relationship, so sharing a room would certainly communicate it to everyone else on the base. Were they ready for that? Undeterred by her silence, Fitz continued, whispering excitedly. “Why not? We’re spending every night with each other, you’re losing track of what you keep where… wouldn’t it be easier if we just shared the same space?” His eyes sparkled with excitement as Simmons continued to stare at him, unable to respond. She needed time to think this through. Of course it seemed like a good idea, but she needed to be able to weigh all the pros and cons, think it through to the end before making such a commitment. She’d never taken a step like this with a boyfriend before. It needed the proper analysis before moving forward.

“Fitz,” she said slowly, “It’s a lovely idea… I just… I don’t know…”

She sees the disappointment come crashing down on him as his eyes dull over and his shoulders slump a bit. “No, s’okay,” he says, avoiding her eyes and pinching the bridge of his nose. “I get it. I mean, uh, obviously I’m a little farther ahead in this… in, um, us… than you are…you know, ah…” he sighs, moving his hand in a circular motion as if to quicken the words he needs to get out. “Since...since I fell for you first…and it took you a while to… you know...” He lets out a breath and straightens his slumped shoulders. He turns back around and gives her a tight smile. Eyes wide and brimming with tears, Jemma is a deer in headlights. She opens her mouth to say something, anything ( _ Just say it!  _ She screams at herself), but she doesn’t know where to start. Her heart clenches in fear. She’s messing up. She knows this. She hears the words she wants to say so clearly in her head, but once again finds herself unable to get them out. The familiarity of this feeling pains her more than the feeling itself.

“No, really, it’s fine,” Fitz continues. “I’m, ah, I’m just gonna go work on a few things in my room. I’ll see you a little later.” He quickly brushes past her, carefully avoiding touching her, which makes his exit even more painful. 

Once he’s left the room, she gasps for air, unaware that she had been holding her breath. She finally blinks, releasing hot tears down her cheeks. She tries to calm down, her emotions swirling around her like a snow globe. As her heart starts to calm and the haze begins to clear, she focuses on one thought with such precision and clarity-  _ It’s time _ . As much as she can feel the fear settle in the pit of her stomach, she knows she has to do this. She has to fix this, to trust that in revealing this deepest secret, they’ll be ok.

Ever the planner (preparation  _ is  _ key, after all), she goes to the kitchen to prepare tea, an age-old sign of theirs that the other comes in peace. She heads to the kitchen, still shaken from their conversation, and is surprised to see Mack there, preparing lunch. She gives him a tight smile and nods as she turns on the kettle and grabs two mugs. “Hey Simmons,” Mack says cautiously, sensing her mood. “Everything ok?” 

“Of course, Mack,” Simmons says, fighting to keep her voice from wavering, but failing. “Never better. Just preparing some tea for Fitz and me.”

“Right,” Mack starts. “So why does it look like you’re preparing your last tea ever?” 

Simmons sighs, rolling her eyes at herself and resolving to work more on her white lie skills. “It’s nothing, really. Just a small tiff between Fitz and me.” Her chin begins to tremble a bit, but she keeps the tears from spilling over this time as she concentrates on choosing the right kind of tea.

Mack moves towards her and places his hand on her shoulder. “Just a little tiff?” he asks. Simmons sets the tea bags into the mug and turns to him, taking a breath. “I’m afraid I’m about to royally muck things up between us… and… I’m just trying to find a way to  not do that…” She keeps things vague, hoping that Mack will understand she’s not quite ready to divulge everything yet. 

Mack receives the message and nods. “Well, don’t be too hard on yourself. For the geniuses that you and Turbo are, you’re still allowed to make mistakes.”   
  
Jemma bites her lip and nods, his words helping alleviate some of her anxiety. “It’s just…” she starts, “… this is such a new chapter for us. I don’t want it to start like this…” she gestures towards the tea. 

“Well, clearly I’m not a relationship expert,” Mack starts, and Simmons realizes that she really doesn’t know much about Mack’s past romantic life at all. She’s noticed the chemistry and flirtation between him and YoYo and has hoped for something to blossom between the two of them, but never thought to tell him that. He was such a private person, just like her, and she respected that. Mack continues, “But the best you can do is to try and learn from the mistakes. Turn them into something that makes you two stronger instead of something that creates distance.” He smiles. “You know I’m rooting for the two of you,” he finishes.

Jemma smiles back at him, feeling slightly relieved, and then laughs. “Do you remember the first conversation you and I had about Fitz?” 

Mack nods and chuckles, remembering the way he confronted her right after she came back from her assignment, how he thought he knew the whole situation between her and Fitz. “We’ve come a long way… all of us. Don’t forget that.” With that, he takes his sandwich and heads towards his room. 

Feeling slightly emboldened and taking Mack’s words to heart, Simmons finishes preparing the tea and heads to Fitz’s room. Carefully holding onto the mugs, she knocks softly on his door with her foot and pushes it open. She feels a sense of déjà vu from the last time one of them came to the other, peace offering in hand. Back to the last time that she knew she had to reveal what she had been hiding. She hopes that her initiating it this time is a show of growth and progress. She wants to be vulnerable with him, she really does. She’s just terrified of what he’ll think when he finds out her secret.

He’s sitting at his desk, working on some sketches. He turns when he hears the door open and gives her another tight smile and she feels a lump form in her throat. She hates those smiles so much. She hates even more that she’s the reason he’s giving them. She smiles back and lifts the two mugs of tea, gesturing one towards him. He silently nods and she brings his to him, setting it on his desk and sits on the bed, facing him. He turns towards her and watches her sit down, clearly not willing to be the one to speak first. 

She sighs and stares down at her mug, heart beating out of her chest. She tries to will the courage to start, remembering who she’s with, that they can fix anything together. “You know,” she says, “with the flurry of everything that’s been happening, with Hive and then Lincoln and now Coulson stepping down, we never really got the opportunity to talk about… before.” Fitz raises his eyebrows in interest. She laughs to herself, a bit ruefully, “There always seems to be some new emergency that we never have the time to just… reflect. But there are things you need to know, things that I  want you to know.” Fitz gets up from the desk to sit next to her on the bed. “You know you can tell me anything,” he tells her, eyes full of sincerity. 

She meets his eyes, swallows hard and nods. She feels her throat tighten. But she’s too far in, no turning back now. She takes a breath. “The truth is, Fitz, I’ve been in love with you for much longer than you know.” 

**  
xxx 3 years earlier xxx**

One of the downsides to having a PhD in biochemistry is that you are intimately aware of how the human body works, which makes being sick all the more torturous. Even when she has the most common cold, Simmons can’t help but focus with a brilliant scientist’s curiosity on the way her body reacts to it. That makes the Chitauri virus all the more disorienting to her- she is acutely aware of the fact that she will die if she doesn’t find a cure quickly. But she can’t help but make silent notes to herself about the way she feels her fever rising, her breath getting shorter, her vision going in and out, and cataloging them for later. If she had the time, she would mention this to Fitz, but she knows that every second counts, so she doesn’t waste time on such a frivolous thought. She would tell him later ( _There_ _will_ _be a later_ , she wills herself to think). 

She allows herself ten seconds of rest as Fitz sprints to retrieve the Chitauri warrior’s helmet- their one true lead on creating an effective antiserum. She can’t stop thinking about what he had just said, “You’ve been beside me the whole damn time!” She feels her heart flutter just a bit as his words echo in her head ( _ Another effect of the virus? _ She wonders). As she starts to examine why those words would have such an effect on her, she turns to find him barreling through the door, box in hand. No.  **No no no** . He can’t get this. Not him. “Fitz!” she shouts, “No! You can’t be in here!” He looks at her defiantly, “Too late. It’s done. Just try and do your best to keep your hands off me, yeah?” Her stomach does a small flip as he says that and her gaze lowers to his hands, sturdily gripping the box. It’s not the first time she’s felt that flip, and if she allowed herself even a second to consider it, she’d realize it seems to be happening on a more regular basis since they joined this team. But there’s no time. Another thing to examine later, when her- and now Fitz’s- life isn’t at stake. 

But she finds herself staring at his hands again as he gently swabs the inside of the helmet, gathering cells for the antiserum. She idly wonders what else his hands could gently hold. Shaking her head, she catalogs the thought as another effect of the virus- maybe some sort of hormonal or chemical reaction? An inability to concentrate? She refocuses and starts to prepare the antiserum, desperately trying to keep her mind on saving herself, Fitz, and the team. Fitz’s assured confidence is contagious and she finds herself feeling more and more optimistic about her chances. She knows she’s not out of the clear yet, but when Fitz transfers the antiserum to their third rat and it doesn’t immediately explode, she feels her world tilt back on its axis again. “We did it,” she whispers in disbelief, looking at Fitz whose eyes are shining with relief. She continues to look at him, new emotions starting to surge within her that she can’t quite place. Then, just out of the field of her vision, she sees the blue flash.

She feels her heart shatter into a million pieces. This is it. She knows that. She feels lightheaded as she instantly processes the fact that she is going to die, soon. True to form, she immediately starts worrying about everyone else around her. She needs to get far away from the team as quickly as possible.  _ Tie up as many loose ends as I can in the next few moments, and then jump out of the plane _ , she quickly decides. She first confirms with Coulson that he’ll tell her dad first. She knows Coulson has a good heart, but she’s certain it’ll be easier on her mum if it comes from her dad.

After her parents, she moves on to Fitz. The one who’s been beside her the whole damn time. Suddenly, with a striking clarity that she assumes only comes when your life is ending, she sees everything she and Fitz would never have. When she- they- had all the time in the world, she never paid much mind to the warmth she felt in her stomach when she was around him, to the way his smile lifted her spirits. She always knew she never wanted a life without him, but never bothered to question why or what that meant. But now, with no more time left, she realizes everything that they could have had,  _ would  _ have had and sees it all crumble to dust. “Would you mind if I had a brief moment alone with Fitz?” she shakily asks the team. 

She’s in love with him. It’s a thought that breaks through the haze of fear and confusion so sharply, so defiantly. She considers telling him about this revelation, of mourning the loss of their something more, but realizes she’s out of time. “I’m so sorry,” she says, not just for the injury she’s about to cause him, but for the future,  _ their future _ , that she’s now robbing him of. She strikes him in the back of the head and he falls to the ground. He’ll find someone else, she tells herself as she opens the cargo ramp door and moves to the ledge. She peers down and bounces a bit, steeling herself for the jump. Another partner, someone who will make him happy and love him just as much as she realizes she does. Convincing herself of this gives her the resolve she needs to take that final step.

She takes one last look at Fitz, who has recovered and is shouting her name, terror in his eyes. It causes her to pause for just a moment, and then the wind picks up and blows her away. As she begins her plummet, she finds herself thinking back to a small, beautiful cottage she saw once in Perthshire on holiday with her family. She closes her eyes and allows herself to imagine the life she would have had with Fitz there. A happy life, filled with love, laughter, learning. Maybe a dog, certainly children of their own. She never thought much about the afterlife ( _ and now is a little late to take a stance, _ she realizes), but she reasons that just maybe, if she dies thinking of this, she’ll be stuck in this happy fantasy forever. She continues to meditate on that thought, waiting for either electric shock or impact to come.

But the cosmos have something else in mind.

Normally, she would be mortified to get such a stern lecture from her superior, but she’s just so relieved to be there to receive it that she takes it all in stride. As she walks towards Fitz’s bunk, she has no idea what she’s going to say. Does she tell him about her new revelation? With each step, she feels her resolve fading as a litany of reasons not to tell him mount. What if he doesn’t feel the same way? She has noticed the way he acts around Skye- it’s clear he has a crush on her. Telling him would certainly ruin their friendship forever. Why would she ever risk that? What if the stress and emotion behind almost dying tricked her to thinking she was in love with him, and now once the adrenaline fades, she doesn’t feel that way anymore? Clearly more analysis and thought are needed. She can’t trust her instincts right now and would never act on something so suddenly without a thorough examination of what it all meant. She has time again, she can wait, she reasons.

She reaches his bunk, convinced to keep it to herself. Even so, she finds herself sitting closer to him than she normally would, legs lightly brushing against each other, which kicks up a new flurry of butterflies in her stomach. Her nerves feel electrified as Fitz explains everything he was going to do to save her. Her eyes keep drifting to his hands, clutching the pillow to him, and her heart flutters again. She feels herself drowning in her own torrent of emotions- gratitude, relief, attraction, love, affection, love, confusion, love…. Her hands drift towards his, wanting to take them in hers, but she stops herself and instead places them on her (very warm) cheeks, keeping them far away from the temptation of his. She tries to keep her head above it all, to breathe and stay focused and not say anything about it. He’s the true hero, she tells him with more sincerity than she ever knew possible. But before she can even realize what she’s doing, she leans in to kiss him on the cheek, something in all their years of partnership she’s never, ever thought of doing. She feels his cheek flush under her lips and feels her own cheeks warm in reaction. Convinced she can’t even keep her instincts in check, and terrified to see his reaction, she quickly retreats to her own bunk. 

She just needs some rest, she reasons to herself as she climbs into her bed. She knows with a clinical preciseness how the body works and knows exactly what is happening. She’s exhausted, coming down from the most stressful experience she’s ever had, and she just needs to rest. If these feelings still exist tomorrow, or the next day, she’ll take the time to analyze them, catalogue them, and then, once she’s confident in her conclusion, decide what to do about it. She has time now.

 

**xxx**

“And then I found myself waiting… waiting for the next emergency or tragedy to be over so I could have just one calm moment to figure it all out, put everything to words and tell you. But it never came. And then the med pod happened and I was so taken aback by your confession and suddenly the oxygen mask was in my hand and you were hitting the button and...well, you know the rest.” she finishes. She allows herself to look over at him, to try and gauge his reaction. His eyes are wide as he stares at the ground, clearly taking it all in. “Fitz, say something. Anything.”

“We can’t waste any more time,” Fitz quietly says, finding new meaning in the words that Jemma had said just a few weeks earlier in that very room. Jemma quietly laughs as she wipes the tears from her eyes, letting out a small sigh of relief that he hasn’t yet stomped out of the room.

He sighs and rubs his hands over his face. “Well, that’s a lot to process.” Jemma nods. “I can leave and give you some time, some space, if…if you need it,” she weakly offers, terrified that he’ll take her up on it, but trying so hard to do the right thing. Fitz takes a moment to consider before looking up at her. “No, let’s… let’s just keep talking,” he offers, placing his hand on her leg. New tears spring to Jemma’s eyes as she puts her hand over his, nodding. 

 

**xxx A few weeks later xxx**

“You know, there’s no turning back once we make this decision,” Fitz teases, handing Simmons her cup of tea.

Simmons laughs and smiles warmly at him. “I’m ready,” she assures him, taking her cup and letting her hand linger on his. She looks him in the eyes with nothing but confidence and love. His smile grows even bigger. 

“Alright, so we’re going with the Bridgette then?” Fitz asks excitedly as they turn and head towards the lab.

Simmons sighs and grimaces. “How big is it again?”

**Author's Note:**

> So, canon compliant if you assume that Jemma’s talk with Bobbi in “Ye Who Enter Here” was actually Jemma just not trusting Bobbi enough to tell her the truth yet.


End file.
